Privacy Policy

A Privacy Policy tells you, the surfer, what a website promises to do with private information about you -- details that a scumbag would use to make your life miserable. A Privates-y Policy, on the other hand, has to do with your privates: your dick, your balls, your tush. Your breast-thingies, if you have those. Those are your privates, so stuff that has to do with your privates is called "privates-y". Our Privates-y Policy explains what we will do (or would like to do) with your privates and things having to do with your privates.

Another way to think of the difference has to do with publicity. A Privacy Policy explains what information is public, and what information is not public. A Privates-y Policy explains what data are pubic, and what data are not pubic.

A Privacy Policy is boring. A Privates-y Policy is interesting. Both are important, so we've decided to combine the two. The result is:

Our Privatesy Policy

The Only Privacy Policy You'll Ever Really WANT to Read™

Your informational privacy is important to us. To better protect it we provide this notice explaining our online information practices and the choices you can make about the way your information is collected and used. To make this notice easy to find, we make it publicly available on our homepage and at every point where personally identifiable information may be requested or revealed to the public at large.

In conjunction with our Privacy Policy we also offer such services as nude photography, so that our clients (i.e., pervy kewl dudes like you) can obtain, while reading, anything from a pleasurable intellectual tingle to a raging erection. What you do with those sensations is your own business -- although if you want to make it OUR business then please contact us to make arrangements. We can make your pubic activities public -- for example, by letting everyone see your dick in a photo we publish. If you prefer, we can, on the other hand, keep your pubic activities from becoming public.

The Information We Collect

• We do not collect any customer information unless you voluntarily sign up for one of our informational mailing lists, or unless you purchase something from us.
  • In particular, this website does NOT retain private information about you which is not used in the administration of your membership or your purchases.
• However if we meet you face to face we would probably want to pull your pants down and have a look at your dick.
  • We'll admit that this is not very private -- but it IS very privatesy.
• If you DO make your pubic matters public, then we'll be happy to let everyone including your grandmother see them. We'll do our best to tell everyone about what we saw.
  • To opt out of that process, just send an e-mail to us at DontTellAnyoneIhaveABigDick @yeahright.com.
• Mailing lists
  If you sign up for one of our mailing lists, then we collect your e-mail address. Since our mailing lists are maintained by Yahoo Groups, Yahoo may additionally gather information such as your name or address. See the Yahoo privacy policy for details.
• Maleing lists
  If you sign up for one of our maleing lists, then we collect your dick size, testicle size, body hair distribution, color and texture of all the above, and your major erotic preferences.
  • Such a list does not, in fact, exist -- but do you want to start one?
• Merchandise
  If you order merchandise from us, then information about you is gathered by us (so that we can ship you the merchandise) and by our payment processor, iBill (see iBill's privacy policy). Only the payment processor gathers your credit card information. To ship your merchandise, we require a valid name, an address where the package can be delivered, and an e-mail address and phone number in case there are questions about the order.
• Merchanteyes
  Feel free to come in to (or to come in) one of our pubic warehouses, where we will remove your pants right away. Merchants will then use their eyes to check out what you look like naked.
  • Only our top salesmen are permitted to gather such information. Since that information is for his (the merchant) eyes only, we call this a merchanteyes display.
  • If you are worried about what we might do with your pubic information, you have nothing to worry about unless you have a dick. If you do have a dick then all bets are off once your clothes come off (see the Maleing list policy above).
  • If you are worried about what we might NOT do with your pubic information, you have nothing to worry about once you sign a model release or otherwise consent to our publication of your pubes. Keep in mind that it may take us months and months to make your pubic images public. Getting down on your knees and begging for us to show you naked on our website will not speed the publication of your pubes unless you are a very, VERY good cocksucker -- and even then would probably not be permitted by my boyfriend.
  • At the moment, we are most interested in the following topics:
    • How a dick swings back and forth when the dick owner walks or runs.
    • EXACTLY where a dick is positioned when it is held captive inside underpants. We want photographs that compare what the pubic regions look like to people with normal merchant eyes, and to people with X-ray eyes.
    • What it looks like and feels like to have a foreskin-equipped dick next to a foreskin-depleted dick.
    • How stimulating it might be to have a big dick interact with a small dick.
• Memberships
  If you sign up for a membership with us, then information about you is gathered by us and by one of our payment processors: iBill, InterBBS.com, DivBill.com, or ccBill. [Privacy policies: iBill -- InterBBS -- DivBill -- ccBill] Only the payment processor gathers your credit card information, and only the payment processor will contact you about financial matters concerning membership rebilling, if any. To maintain your membership, we require a name and an e-mail address in case there are questions about the membership, to confirm a password change, and so on. 
• Members' tips
  If you possess a dick, then you probably know that a formal word for your dick is a "member". Your member has a base (attached to your body above your balls) and a tip. Once we get your pants down we will carefully examine your member's tip. Although we pay special attention to tips which are covered by a foreskin, all members' tips are examined, and -- where appropriate -- mechanical checks are performed to make sure that yours is in tiptop operating condition. Photographs may also be taken to document this process or its results. To maintain your member's tip, all we need is a paper towel to wipe up any fluids which may appear.

The Way We Use Information

• We use this information in order to provide you with what you paid for, to send you requested e-mails, and (for face to face encounters) to make your pubes public.
• WE DO NOT SELL, RENT, GIVE, transfer, transmit, or in any way reveal ANY of your information to ANYONE -- unless, of course, we have already blabbed about your dick to our friends.
• We detest spam ourselves and do not deal with anyone who might abuse your information.
  • Should spammers discover your information, however, good luck! It is hard to make people good.
  • Abuse you perform upon yourself (self-abuse) is optional, but is strongly encouraged. It is good to make people hard.
• Our policy is to give YOU control over your information.
  • If you wish, we will keep your pubic information private.
  • Or, if you wish, we can make public your privates.
  • It's all about you -- and your dick!

Our Commitment To Data Security

To prevent unauthorized access, maintain data accuracy, and ensure the correct use of information, we have put in place appropriate physical, electronic, and managerial procedures to safeguard and secure the information we collect online. In particular, none of the information you give us is stored on any computer accessible from the Internet.

Our Commitment To Dates' Impurity

We have special policies pertaining to guys we date. To encourage pleasurable access, maintain our dates' Acuras, and ensure the correct use of bodily formation, we have put in place appropriate physical, electronic, and manual procedures to masturbate effectively, and to inform the lifeguards we meet online that we like to swim naked. Photos of us doing so are available in several computers accessible from the Internet, and lifeguards are especially encouraged to take off those silly things they call "swimsuits" and join us in sharing our thingies with everyone else.

Contact Us -- Access Or Correct Your Information

You can access all your personally identifiable information that we collect online and maintain by sending an e-mail to us at:

Use the same address to correct factual errors in your personally identifiable information, or if you have other questions or concerns about these privacy policies. To protect you, we will also take reasonable steps to verify your identity before granting access or making corrections.

Contact Us -- Asses and Cocks in Formation

Skin-to-skin contact is available for men with asses and/or cocks in formations amenable to erotic excitement. You can send us photos of your asses and cocks -- so that we can arrange them in formation with those that we collect online (and maintain) -- by sending an e-mail to us at:

Use the same address to create actual errors in your personally identifiable formations (for example, to ask us to use Photoshop to remove that birthmark). To provide everyone with erotic entertainment, we will also take reasonable steps to verify your maleness before mounting asses or fucking correct buns. We'd hate to discover that you have breasts! *

* No slurs against transpeople intended. Keep your pants on!

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