Another quality page linked to Jim's Pen is Central!
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Those Sleazy Photographers

-- They Wore Clothes!!

If you're into the "Naked Mile," you've probably heard about these guys. If you were there, you saw them. They had their video cameras pointed at all the boobs they could find. They stepped in front of you as you were trying to get a good look. You looked up "Naked Mile" on the Internet and found their websites:

How disgusting!

They don't have a healthy attitude toward sex. They just want to sell their videos of boobs, boobs, and more boobs.

They want to exploit people's sexual weaknesses -- not help them to become stronger.

They want to make money -- tons of money. Thirty, forty dollars a pop. All for themselves; not a penny for those of you who provided the show.

I sympathize with you. I was there; I saw those sleazoids pushing and shoving each other to make more money. I was disgusted.

And I saw your anger. Several of you pushed, shoved, and even punched out photographers you didn't like. Some of you, more humorous than the rest, brought along your squirt guns and aimed them at photographers and their expensive camera equipment.

Well, you know what, runners? What the photographers did was perfectly legal. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

You know what, photographers? The students are right: you are scumballs. You don't have the guts to do what they did, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I have some more choice advice for each of you -- if you dare to read it. First the photographers, then the students. Read on.

To the photographers:

Some advice and a challenge

You sleazy scumballs. You slime! You assholes! Do you really deserve to walk unmolested on this earth? When God judges you for your sins, you will be naked. Why were you wearing clothes behind your camera?

You haven't got even one percent of the courage that those students had. Admit it. You're hiding from your shame of your own body, your sexual fantasies, your dick (yes, you're all men or almost so). You're exploiting the work -- the difficult, challenging, psychological work -- that the naked runners did, for your own personal gain, without bothering to do any of that psychological work on yourself.

Did you take your clothes off? Did you run, you fat slob, you -- may you die a premature death from a heart attack? (Oops, better be careful with the epithets here; my own body mass index is about 30. Hmmmmm.) Can you run a mile? Do you dare to take your clothes off on the streets of Ann Arbor?

I thought not. I hope the drool dribbling from your lips -- as you point your lascivious pen is substitute in the direction of those (and I'm quoting here) "nubile young co-eds" -- gets into your camera and rusts out the mechanism. You deserve worse.

And you will receive it, in abundance. Karma is probably not literally true, but as a metaphor it's great. Your avarice, your virtual drool, and your immaturity affect your life and all your relationships. They all haunt you right now. Serves you right.

Here's my challenge to you all: I want to see your pen is. Whip it out first, then get totally naked. (Now, asshole, I said now! This is a serious revenge fantasy you're dealing with here!) Get out that camera you used in Ann Arbor. Set it on a tripod or point it at a mirror. Snap. Snap again. Make sure you get at least one photo of yourself totally naked, and another close-up of your miserable pen is. Post them on the same website you use to promote your $39.95 video of the nubile young co-eds. In public, where we all can see. Just like I've done here, you wussy, miserable, low-life, balls-less, piece of human hypocrisy! (You just go ahead and do that, mister, and I'll buy a $39.95 video from the first one of you who does so!!!!!!!)

Then, and only then, will you begin to get the respect you may one day deserve -- should God decide to have mercy upon your soul!

To the students:

Some advice and a compliment

I hate to admit it, but it's true: what the photographers did is perfectly legal. You bared your bodies in a public place, and they took pictures. If you don't like sleazeballs having photos of you naked, then don't take your clothes off in public. It's that simple.

Take responsibility for your actions; don't blame other people for taking advantage of your actions. It's a free country we live in, and the photographers are free to be sleazy here. Sad, but true.

Instead, rise above the level of those assholes. Remember that you did something truly courageous. It required real guts and determination.

I didn't have the guts to do that when I was your age. I do now. I ran naked with you in part to prove to myself that I had that courage, and it felt great. I also ran naked with you to share the experience, and to show you that not all photographers are sleazeballs like those you hate so much.

I thank you for recognizing that. I remember two of you pointed your squirt guns at me and my cameras. Then you noticed I was naked, too, and you turned away.

I will never forget the smiles that so many of you wore as you were stripping and running. It feels incredible, doesn't it? The temperature was perfect. The crowd was wonderful.

I remember chatting with a couple of you as we ran along the course. One of you, smiling from ear to ear, told me you'd never done this before, and you felt incredibly high -- on top of the world. Truly excellent, dude! (Or am I sounding like a pseudo-hipster from the 80's?) Do it again sometime. Don't let that moment slip away!

Resist blindly following the rules. Question authority. Make up your own mind. Act responsibly. Next year, remember you can strip naked and run naked and you don't have to get drunk first. (Or ever.) Understand how fukked up people's attitudes are about the human body and make sure you don't pass those attitudes on to your friends and children.

You did a wonderful thing. You have excellent principles, and you acted on those principles in a safe, sane, consensual, and ballsy manner. You are a real man (even if you're a woman; you get my point). Don't ever forget that. And let that memory keep you from doing something stupid -- like giving in to your anger at the sleazoids. Trying to damage their cameras can get you into a lot of trouble. Hitting them (as one of you did me, after I had put my pants back on) is assault and battery. Those aren't things that people who do wonderful things do.

It's trite but it's true: living well is the best revenge. My generation invented campus streaking, and then we dropped it. Your generation can fix that. Stay naked, stay sane, accept your bodies, and accept the imperfections of life.

Obviously, none of those photographers had the balls you do! You know it, they know it, I know it, everyone reading this page knows it. That's all the punishment those sleazoids need -- although it's also true that their girlfriends don't respect them and their guy friends are wusses or stupid or both. Serves them fucking well right, eh?

• Punched in the face by a homophobe; assaults on cameras.
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