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Another quality page linked to Jim's Pen is Central! |
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Another quality page linked to Jim's Pen is Central! |
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There was an uncomfortable amount of violence at this year's run. We'd better get together and talk these issues through if you don't want to have the run canceled in the future. I'm sure we all know that the U. of M. administration would love to have any excuse to put a stop to what they call those "shenanigans," and fistfights are a great excuse. But the assaults which took place have causes, and so let's analyze them and figure out how to defuse them instead.
The daily student newspaper did its best to whip you up into an anti-camera frenzy. They tracked down the sleazy websites of some sleazy videotape salesmen and reported the lurid sales pitches about "nubile young coeds" and all that bs. As I've explained here, I agree with you that those guys are the scum of the earth, hypocritically exploiting the runners' comfort with their bodies for financial gain.
But that doesn't justify running after them with your fists; sooner or later that'll put you (and not them) in jail. Plus, it's a hopeless task. There must have been thousands of cameras there. Your roommates were taking pictures, too, and so were thousands of other people you don't know. You had no way of knowing which video guys were the sleazy ones and which ones were just as innocent as your roommates were!
And admit it -- a lot of you assaulters were drunk, right? Listen, dude, you've got to learn to deal with your anger in a more productive way. You're on the wrong track if you let your anger get you drunk and then in trouble. Get help with your alcohol problem now, while you're in a supportive community -- before it messes up your life permanently.
It was the end of the race, at the "Cube." It was getting chilly, so I put my pants back on. Then I noticed a new round of runners arriving, so I pulled out my camera and started snapping away.
One of you didn't like this. You figured, hey, this is a guy, and he's taking nude photographs of naked guys like me. He must be a fag! Therefore I am justified in connecting my fist to his chin! You also threw a punch at my midsection.
Your buddies pulled you away. I mumbled a lame excuse about having been naked just a few minutes before. You were probably so drunk that you don't remember your assault -- but your buddies do, and they have probably told you about it in glowing terms. Made you feel like a hero, even though the actual incident is in your brain mushed up in an alcoholic haze.
And me? For protection, I took my pants back off, then called it a night. Flew home. Then I told my story to anyone who would listen, and got every one of my friends to agree that I was a hero. So there! Plus I get to put my version of the events up here on the Internet for the adoration and compliments of 3,000 new souls every day -- and I'll only have to suffer through a handful of hate mail in return.
See? There is no conflict of interests here. Everybody wins! Let's do it again next year!!
On second thought, let's not. You may have felt like a stud for what you did, but you were a drunken stud. A drunken stud is still a drunk. (Or, even if you weren't drunk, a stupid stud is still an asshole.)
Instead, become a real stud -- namely, a man. Someone who can handle conflict without the risk of substance-induced rage. Someone who is strong enough to respect individual differences: gay and straight, pen is-lover and va gina-lover. I don't know which low-life scummy fag put his hand on your thigh once, long ago, but it wasn't me, and I'd appreciate your respect of that fact. I'm sure you're grateful for women who don't hold it against you that you're the same sex as the guy who raped their sister. Understand?
In short, let's grow up. You and me both.
Go back to Jim's
Naked Mile page. 
Go back to Pen
is Central.
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