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Jim's Almost Naked Europe 1996 Page

In the summer of 1996, I visited my various relatives in Europe. I tried to go to a nude beach in each city; I got rained out in Belgium and in the Netherlands I couldn't take any pictures to prove it. So here is my proof for Germany.

I also got stopped and searched at the airport (London City). My beard must have triggered their Potential Terrorist Profile, and when they got a look at the postcards I was carrying they thought that they'd hit pay dirt. They searched everything, presumably because the postcards triggered their Potential Weirdo Possibly Even Pedophile Profile. I got body searched (not strip searched, alas), delayed for about 3 hours (my hapless traveling companion got only a slightly less extensive workout than I did), and had lots of stuff taken from me.

The Good News

Most of it was returned on the spot--including all of the postcards, because they were obtainable at any reasonably liberal European postcard shop and all the models were obviously of legal age. They took 11 rolls of film (ten unexposed) from me and promised to develop them to make sure there wasn't anything naughty thereupon. When I got them back 5 months later, they hadn't even done that (and I had so much wanted to ask them for double prints!). They took my companion's educational videotape from him because they "couldn't make out" what was on it--it was, as he explained to them patiently, a film of two genitally ambiguous male rats having sex. He and I are sexologists, you see, and we had just flown in from a sexological convention in Rotterdam. A likely story, the poor border guard must have thought.... but that tape, too, has been returned.

The Dirt

And (yes) they did confiscate two magazines from me (none from him) which they described as obscene and therefore ineligible for bringing into England. Never mind that the acts depicted therein are legal throughout the UK and the models are all very much of legal age, and never mind that one of them is published in London and features UK models and is available from street stalls in the city and the other is available throughout the city in more out-of-the-way stores. No, they exported this stuff off the island to wicked Amsterdam, and they were jolly well making sure that no one brought it back!

The Photos (finally!)

So as a public service to international travelers to London, I thought that I should publish the acceptable nudes on the Internet, thus making it easier for free-thinking but law-abiding citizens the world over to know precisely what they can bring with them as they transit through those glorious isles, and what they had best ask their friends to smuggle back home for them through non-British channels. Hence an alternate title for this page would be:

Her Majesty The Queen's Very Nearly Official Chart of Permissible Pen is Graphics Suitable For Importation to the United Kingdom of Great Britain
(and/or Northern Ireland)

As Validated By HM Royal Customs Service

London, August 1996 (more or less)

Just click on the picture for a full-sized version to fill your screen. And check out the link at the bottom for page 2 of this adventure.

	This lovely lad is an acceptable import object because, although naked, he is of legal age.
	This photo of six underage teenaged boys is acceptable because these lads all have their clothes on.
	This photo of a beach near Frankfurt is OK because many patrons have their bathing suits on and it's fairly difficult to see whether anybody is really, really naked.
	This photo of the same beach, looking in a different direction, is OK because the pen is which is visible is just too tiny (in the picture, I mean) to get anyone's dander up.
	This greeting card was one of many created by two men who are artists, and who are therefore permitted to do any crazy thing they want even though they appear to be gay. They were wise enough, however, to stay away from naked little boys...
	...except for this one, which has not only an actual naked little boy pen is visible, but a stump for a leg. (It's by the same two artists above.) The inscrutable script, in white, is the touch that transforms this otherwise damnably perverting icon into a protected work of art. Plus the fact that there was a stack of them being handed out for free at a state-run art gallery in Rotterdam.
???	What WILL those Dutch do next???
	These photos, designed to show my gut in the "sucked in" and "pushed out" positions, were apparently acceptable because no one would be so crazy as to assume that a big gut is sexy. If you disagree, please let me know!