Dick of the week:

Jeff

I first met Jeff at a Gathering where I thought he was interested in just about everyone except me. Poor me. Poor little me!

It turned out I was wrong -- Jeff was interested in me, and he was only interested in some of the other guys there. Once again, I discovered that not only is beauty in the eye of the beholder, but "attitude" is also in the eye of the beholder. My observation was actually my own trip, not his.

It wasn't until the very last minutes of the Gathering that I figured this out. Jeff was moments away from leaving, but somehow he and I struck up a conversation. Soon it was clear that his ride was pulling up, and I confessed to him that I found him attractive; would he pose for me? Sure, he said. "OK," I said, "pull your pants down" -- and he did. I snapped the photo, he covered himself back up, and then got into the car and left.

That was two Gatherings ago. A year later he had acquired a boyfriend, and the two of them went everywhere together and did everything together. (Or so it seemed to me.) I am a sucker for watching gay couples be "into" each other, and the two of them were a great couple to watch.

Physically they are very different: Jeff is short, very tan, with a dark (Italian??) complexion. Akbar is taller, with creamy-white skin and freckles and very red hair (Irish??). And yet I somehow felt that they were like two peas in a pod. I'm sure that's just another projection on my part, but ... it's the lens I watched them through.

I'm calling them Akbar and Jeff after the characters in Matt Groaning's "Life in Hell" comic strip (syndicated in many weekly newspapers). The original Akbar and Jeff are practically carbon copies of each other, but they are always stressing their differences and disagreements. And yet....

As they sit on the couch, the cartoon Akbar turns to Jeff and says, "I hate you but I love you." There's a pause of a few frames. Then Jeff says to Akbar, his voice full of disagreement, "I feel exactly the opposite."

Alike but different. Different but alike. What better guide for gay life can there be?

So let me begin with the standard Dick of the Week question: just how big IS your dick, anyway?

If it's totally hard, 6 and a half to 7.

How big around?

It's pretty thick; I'd say 3 inches.

So when you jerk off, can you get your hand around it?

Just.

When you're holding it with one hand, does your thumb touch your index finger?

Yeah, it just barely does.

How much overlap?

No overlap.

So do you lose partners who think that you're too big for them?

No, because I think I'm just average. No one's going to say I'm too big for them unless they're someone getting fucked for the first time.

Which do you prefer in a partner: a big dick or a small dick?

Probably big. If there's no medium to choose from, then I'd say big. Medium to large; I don't like humungous either.

Why?

Medium is the right size to do what you want with, but not so big that you can't do anything with them. Too small it's no fun. Medium to large -- big enough where it's exciting, not so big that you can't do anything with it.

What's the biggest dick you've ever had sex with?

I was with a guy once who had 11 inches.

The smallest?

[He laughs.] Um, a long time ago I met a guy -- very handsome with a great body -- but his dick was deformed and consequently it was only about an inch and a half. It was a horrible situation. But he was so cute, once we started I figured that we'd just finish.

Tell me more about each of those two guys.

The big guy: I remember meeting him and going to his house. I was young and we got undressed and it was just HUUUUUmongous! I could hold it one hand but my fingers couldn't even touch each other. We measured it when he got hard -- it was just amazing.

[I met him when] I was on a vacation. He was probably about 6 foot 7, and he picked me up and laid me across the bar, where people put drinks, but he put me there [anyway], his dick was in my face like a handle.

[I was a little confused about the order of things.] So you met him ...?

Yeah, you were allowed to be naked at this place. In Key West, actually -- about 20 years ago. I walked by this bar and saw a sign on the door and walked in. Not everybody was naked but about half of them were, then this humungous guy picked me up and I couldn't believe it, his dick was heavy to PICK UP, even! The sign said "Naked party inside $5".

The small guy answered an ad I had in the paper. He was like 24, college student, young, handsome, had a nice body. He came over to my place, sat on the couch... He was a hot looking guy and one thing leads to another and we ended up in bed, and then I handled his dick, and it was like -- no dick! The tiny head was bent forward and deformed... it was a shame. Nice guy, bright, nice body -- just a shame, it really was. But you know, I went through with it. We had sex once, and that was it.

Which is easier to keep hard -- a big dick or a small dick?

Probably it's easier to keep a small dick hard. It depends on the mindset and the blood flow, because there's less blood that has to flow.

What famous person's dick would you like to see the most?

Ricky Martin. I want to see if he's cut or uncut, and how big it is.

What famous person would you most like to show YOUR dick to?

[He chuckles.] Ricky Martin.

How come?

I hear he's gay -- and if he's gay I'm like the opposite of him, so I might be his type.

Scientists have perfected a penis-transplant operation, and they want you to donate 2 inches of your dick for transplantation to someone less fortunate than you. How much would they have to pay you to get you to agree to the donation?

Huh huh huh... I can't really afford to lose anything, so it'd have to be like enough money to live happily my whole life. And since my dick would be so small I'd have to buy guys, so it would have to be $5 million, 10 million, something like that.

Would it matter if the recipient was your brother?

No, because it won't change MY life any. Now if I had a humungous cock, losing 2 inches would be no big deal, but with the size I have it would be a big deal for me.

Would it matter if the recipient was your boyfriend?

If he's my boyfriend then he wouldn't have needed a larger size because I would have fallen in love with him anyway.

How often do guys tell you that you have a big dick?

Maybe every third time I have sex. It's different now that I have a boyfriend.

I take it that from time to time guys come on to you just because you have a big dick.

No, I can't imagine that... I'm a grower, not a shower, so no one's going to come on to me for that.

What's the most annoying way someone comes on to you -- like in a bar or at a party?

I guess someone who keeps talking to you and won't leave you alone. Follows you like a puppy dog.

If someone saw you in a bar, and figured out they wanted to have sex with you, what would be the best line for him to use to get you interested in him?

He has to be hot himself; it doesn't matter what he says if he's not hot himself. What I like to hear is "Hey, I think you're really handsome," and hopefully I'll like who's saying it.

What would be the worst line?

"How old are you?" I think someone just walked up... I guess "you're ugly" [would be another bad one]!

Are you cut or uncut?

Cut.

Which do you prefer in other men?

Cut. Definitely. I just cannot stand that extra skin hanging down. Sometimes if they don't keep it clean it smells and I feel that extra skin -- it just ruins it

Ever thought of getting your foreskin restored?

Oh, my god, no!

What's your dick's favorite place to go?

California -- to visit you! [We're doing the interview on the phone and we'd talked about how great the weather was in San Diego and how awful it was in his city out east.]

What's your dick's favorite place to go that YOU would rather it DIDN'T go?

Hmm... but then why wouldn't I like it? Strangers. It kind of likes strangers, but it might not be smart [to do that], even though I think oral sex is safe.

What was the most surprising thing you discovered where you didn't think you liked something but your dick said it did?

Something like sucking on a guy's nipples... that gets me hard, like massaging my body can get me hard.

What's your favorite way of USING your dick?

You mean like jerking it or...? I guess jerking it.

What makes a dick pretty, or good-looking?

The right width for the length, cannot be too short and fat. Or too long and thin.

Do you think you have a pretty dick?

When it's hard, yes.

Do you think your boyfriend's dick is pretty?

Yeah.

What does your boyfriend like about yours?

Perfect size for him. For oral and anal.

Has anyone ever drawn or sketched your dick?

No.

Have you ever drawn or sketched your own dick?

No.

Who was the oldest person ever to see your dick?

Well, I did massage and I did a guy who was 76, and so I know he saw it. At the Gatherings, I don't know, there might have been guys older than 76 there.

So you massage in the nude?

I ask them, but 99 percent say yes.

The youngest person?

I remember when I was in my apartment with the same ad. This kid answers this ad -- he looked 14 -- he stole his mom's car and drove down to my apartment. He wasn't even good-looking. I happened to meet him outside the apartment, which was good -- I could send him packing and he never even got inside.

When was the last time your Mom saw your dick?

That was age 4 or 5.

Is your father cut or uncut?

Cut.

Does your father have a big dick?

Same size as mine.

Do you have any kids?

No.

Does your dick have a name?

It used to be called Sam. I haven't named it recently. When I was a kid I called it Sam.

Why Sam?

I don't know. Just a name I gave it.

Have you ever had the feeling that there is something wrong with your dick?

[He laughs.] No -- something wrong with my mind!

So what's wrong with your mind?

I've had performance anxiety in the past, like when I'm with a guy who's really hot, and I'm really excited and I think I've gotta be hard to show I think he's really hot. I wanna be hard so bad it takes a few times for me to relax.

When you're wearing clothes, do you keep your dick inside underpants?

Yeah.

Boxers or briefs?

I wear both.

Does it hang to the left or to the right?

Basically it's to the right, just a drop. It's pretty straight. My cock doesn't bend at all. But from jerking off it might go up and to the right a little bit.

How do you arrange it inside briefs?

So it's lying flat against my stomach.

Think of the period of time in the gym between when you're totally naked in the shower and when you're totally clothed and ready to walk out the front door. Let's say that that's 20 minutes. For how many of those 20 minutes is your dick naked and visible to other guys in the locker room?

Ten.

Has there ever been a period in your life of one year or more during which NO ONE other than you saw your dick?

Yeah maybe from age 7 to 16 or something.

When is the last time someone saw your dick?

This morning. No, this afternoon.

When will be the next time?

Probably tomorrow.

What's your dick doing right now?

Just lying here.

What's your partner's dick doing?

Probably just hanging. If he's walking, it's hanging.

In high school, how often did other boys see your dick?

Not often, cause I didn't take showers. Actually, never.

Girls?

Never.

And in college?

Rarely. I was still pretty shy. Never women.

Nowadays, during an average week, how many people see your dick?

My boyfriend sees it every day, I guess. People I massage see it, if they want me to be naked.

Of course, everybody knows that a lot of teenaged boys get hard at inappropriate times -- and in a way so that other people can see that they're hard. Did this ever happen to you?

No.

Did anyone ever tease you or punish you when they noticed that your dick was hard?

No.

When you jerk off, how do you hold your dick in your hand?

I grab it just like grab it. Fingers on top, thumb underneath.

What motion do you use?

Back and forth.

Tell me about the first time your dick ejaculated. What happened?

It was a wet dream, but I woke up doing it -- I woke up coming. It was weird; I woke up coming.

What's the shortest length of time you've ever had between two orgasms?

Five minutes. No. Ten seconds.

Tell me about that.

Once in awhile if I haven't come in awhile. When I was younger and did my one-month druggie lifestyle trip, it took longer to come but sometimes I could shoot a second load really soon afterwards.

Guys I interview for Dick of the Week usually are exhibitionistic -- at least a little. Think back in your life to any times when you may have fantasized or thought about showing off your dick to someone else, on purpose. How old were you the FIRST time you had a thought or a fantasy like that?

17.

What was the fantasy?

Maybe being out in front of an apartment. We lived in an apartment very high up in a building. Or in the fantasy maybe I'm not living on such a high floor -- like on 15 or 10 -- so they can see you from the street [while you're getting off].

Did you ever carry it out?

No.

Has anyone other than you ever touched your dick in a sexual way in a church?

No.

At a Boy Scout event?

Yeah. Just in the tents. You know how boys are age 14, I was with this boy who wanted to mess around. We probably jerked off or something.

While you were with your parents?

No.

When you think back on your life, do you think you were a nudist your whole life, or did you only become a nudist at some particular age?

I became one at a later age -- maybe 30, when I first started going to naked parties.

Which would you prefer: To live in a world where everyone had to be naked all the time -- men and women -- or to live in a world where you had to be naked all the time but everyone else was clothed?

Oh, everybody!

Which would you prefer: To have a photo published in a magazine of just your dick next to your real name, or to have an anonymous photo published showing both your dick and your face?

I guess my dick and my face. I think I have a cute face.

What's the most embarrassing thing your dick ever did?

[He chuckles.] Um, went soft when it wasn't supposed to.

What has your dick done that has made you the most proud?

Stayed hard when it was supposed to.

What's the most outrageously exhibitionistic thing you've ever done?

[He laughs.] Besides the Gathering, I was naked on my deck. It was a gay naked party at my place, and I was naked on the deck outside.

Could anyone else see?

Nah, not really. I have latticework up over the deck and I'm a corner house so I don't really face other houses that much.

In your whole life, what event or situation made your dick the hardest it has ever been?

One time I was giving a massage and the guy brought his "son" over and his son was just gorgeous. The guy was sucking his "son's" dick, which was really big -- this kid was gorgeous, just absolutely a fucking Greek god. Watching that made me really hard.

You didn't join in?

I was healing his body while his daddy was blowing him.

How old were the two guys?

19 and maybe 40.

Sounds like an interesting story.

They just came for massage -- a birthday present for the kid. It was fun. I got paid for the time of my life!

Tell me about the first time your dick was photographed.

At the Gathering.

Has your dick ever been published in a magazine?

I don't think so.

Have you ever danced naked?

Actually I haven't. I did at the Gathering, but not like in a bar.

What does your dick do when you do that?

It bounces up and down.

When you're dancing naked, do you think about how moving your body will move your dick? Do you do anything on purpose because of the way it's going to cause your dick to swing?

Yeah [he chuckles]. I might move left and right and make my dick go left or right or up and down and make my dick go up or down. Not always; sometimes.

Have you ever exposed your dick in a non-visible way -- for example, by taking your bathing suit off underwater?

Yeah. I was on a cruise ship. It was a gay cruise, but not naked. I got into the whirlpool with a bunch of guys and with the bubbling water you can't see through it. So I got into the water and took my swimming pants off. Problem was it was really difficult getting them on to go back out.

Did anybody notice?

No. If they did, nobody said anything.

Have you ever been naked in a bar?

Yeah, but just that one time in Key West.

Have you ever been naked in public?

Not including the Gathering, no.

What's the largest number of people who have seen your dick all at the same time?

Probably GNI.

Tell me about the first time your dick accidentally became visible and might have been seen by someone you didn't intend to show it to.

Maybe one time when it slipped out of my pants -- got hard and slipped out. I put it back in real quick. Might have happened at home but in front of the wrong person.

When you're at a urinal in a public place -- like an airport -- how often do you do things specifically so that other guys nearby can see your dick?

Never.

Has your dick ever been exposed to view against your will?

No.

What do you like the most about your dick?

I think it's a good size for my height, even though I wish it was a little bigger.

What do you like the most about having a dick?

Dicks are great! They feel good and you can squeeze 'em and they always feel good.

What do you like the least about your dick?

The fact that it doesn't always get hard when I need it to.

What do you like the least about having a dick?

It's balls I hate having; I hate having balls. I don't like balls and they hurt when they get kicked. I wish they were inside us or something. I don't like to lick balls, I don't like to play with balls... I'm not a ball man.

Has your dick ever gotten you in trouble?

No.

Tell me about the one orgasm in your life of which you are most ashamed.

I'm not sure there is any.

...of which you are the most proud?

I usually can't come with somebody jerking me off, but with somebody a couple of years ago he was jerking me off and I came and I couldn't believe it.

During this interview, has your dick gotten hard?

No.

Did you have any orgasms during this interview?

[He laughs out loud.] No. I wasn't jerking off.

Starting the clock at the end of this interview, how long will it be before you have an orgasm?

Let's see... done by 10:30... about 12 hours.

How do you plan to get that orgasm?

Probably jerking off.

Anything else you'd like to say about dicks in general or your dick in particular?

No, I just like... I love dicks. I love the feel of dicks, I love dicks that have a good length and width. I like a dick that can come in a very fast time. I love to suck dick, but not if I have to suck it for an hour for the guy to shoot.

Thank you very much!

You're welcome!

After the interview is over, we chitchat for a bit, talking about the upcoming summer Gatherings, the interview I'll conduct with his boyfriend the next day, the weather, and whatever. Without warning, he turns the tables and starts interviewing me:

So how are YOU doing?

Oh, OK. I got a nap this afternoon, and that always helps.

So are you hard right now?

[I laugh.] No. And I've actually got clothes on! My Mom is still up and it's cold here anyway.

[I had interviewed him by phone from my Mom's house; I was out east visiting her for a few days over Christmas.]

And how long will it be before YOU have an orgasm?

[I chuckle again.] Probably... oh I don't know... actually, come to think of it, probably in a couple of hours, because it'll be my last chance until I get home to San Diego tomorrow.

Go to Jeff's photos.

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