Dick of the week:

French is his real name -- his middle name. His first name is even more unusual, and his last name is a common noun that makes you wonder: What were Mom and Dad thinking?? And then you find out he's French, Junior... so Dad lived through his life with the same moniker.

So you ask yourself again, what were Mom and Dad thinking???

Well, I don't know -- but the results were wonderful. I met French at Harvard University, where he was president of the gay students' organization back in the late 1970's/early 1980's. After I took up photography and moved back to Boston (from Baltimore), he was one of the students at the time who not only posed for me but also introduced me to his friends. The result, ultimately, was a one-man show in New York (at the Leslie-Lohman Gallery) titled Harvard Blasphemies. French's dick was on the wall more than once in that show, and it now resides (in photographic form) in the collections of a few well-educated souls who understand -- ahem -- that Harvard boys have dicks as well as brains.

Or, as a funny t-shirt put it at about that time: "The Harvard Man -- Not just another pretty face!"

French has, of course, graduated. Practically ever since, he's been the editor of The Guide -- a trenchant publication that manages to satisfy the thinker, the traveler, and the porno consumer all at once. It's a very practical mag, but it's also showcases some of the most original political analysts you've read since Boyd MacDonald gave up the ghost. (Boyd was another Harvard grad, by the way -- and his columns are archived in The Guide.) Since I already had a bunch of photos of French from waaaay back then, and since he made himself available for a phone interview and sent me a more recent nude photo, I thought... hey! Let's do it!

So let me begin with the standard Dick of the Week question: just how big IS your dick, anyway?

Well that depends on where you're measuring from. By pornstar standards it's probably 9 inches. By real standards it's 7.

What's the difference?

I don't know. I think the rule seems to be to round up and add one. It's a mistake to start telling people your dick is 9 inches -- what's the point [of lying]? I've started telling people that I'm 42, and they say, Wow!

How big around?

[He chuckles.] That I haven't measured in a long time. Girthy, I'd say. I've called it either a large average dick or a small large dick.

So when you jerk off, can you get your hand around it?

Yes.

When you're holding it with one hand, does your thumb touch your index finger?

It could, but it doesn't.

How much overlap?

Not much. I thought you were supposed to ask this in relation to a bill, as in: "If I can't wrap this $100 bill around your dick, then it's yours"! Let me take a dollar out right now and see. [Since this is a phone conversation, I can't tell if he's actually doing this or just pulling my leg.] Take a dollar and run it around the dick ... you know the [unprinted] margin that's on either end [of the bill]? [On me, it] overlaps that much and that much again, and that's about it.

Describing it this way, your readers and viewers can perform the experiment themselves.

[I still can't tell if he's actually doing this at the time, but I get the impression that his measurement is accurate.]

How often do people tell you that you have a big dick?

I guess with some frequency.

So do you lose partners who think that you're too big for them?

Hardly ever.

Which do you prefer: a big dick or a small dick?

Inconsequential.

Why?

Well, I guess I don't really care that much.

What's the biggest dick you've ever had sex with?

[He chuckles.] I'm not really sure what the size would be, but somewhere between 9 and 10 inches -- and pretty thick.

The smallest?

Probably about 3 inches.

Tell me more about each of those guys.

The one with the biggest dick was a guy in college who was plug ugly, and I liked him and ended up going to bed with him before I knew he had a big dick. When I say I don't care [about dick size] I mean it, but there is something unique about a giant dick the size of an anaconda; it really gets your attention. All he wanted to do was fuck me, which seemed impossible, but I guess he was used to being patient. I remember I had my toes hooked under the mattress slats on the top bunk while I was getting it, and it is something I remember still. We did it a few more times, and I have fond memories of him to this day. We've stayed in touch since college, too. Just a pleasant dick memory.

And the peanut? This guy was a suit who worked at a downtown courthouse, and I used to frequent the tearooms there when I worked in City Hall. He was actually sort of an asshole, and he only liked to get blown and would pay little or no attention to me. That was OK because he was very cocky, and he would pull out his dick already completely hard, which is a turn-on, even if it was pretty tiny. One time he invited me back to his office, which turned out to be a large suite in the Justice Department, and this was in the Reagan years, so I felt guilty for blowing some Nazi in a suit. That was the last time we did it. His personality was kind of a jerk.

That doesn't mean that guys with big dicks are nice and those with small dicks are right-wing jerks, but that's the way it worked out these two times.

Which is easier to keep hard -- a big dick or a small dick?

My mild guess is a small dick. Takes less blood.

What's your favorite way of USING your dick?

With somebody or by myself? Either. I think handjobs are underrated. Psychically, fucking somebody is hard to top, no pun intended, but for pure pleasure to my dick I think mutual handjobs and making out is probably one of my favorites.

What's enjoyable about topping someone?

The sense of being inside of them, a sense of me giving the pleasure they crave in a way that only a horny or starving person can.

What's your dick's favorite place to go?

Well, I guess I would like fucking or handjobs best: a well greased hand or butt. Sometimes getting blown can be right up there, too.

What's your dick's favorite place to go that YOU would rather it DIDN'T go?

[He chuckles and thinks.] Let's see... Into hiding!

I take it that from time to time guys come on to you just because you have a big dick.

Well, again, I wouldn't say the size is what they'd come on to. They might notice some tumescence in the shower, or if I've dressed to show it off to any degree. Maybe it gets noticed then, but not specifically because I have a big dick. When I get compliments they give me the perverse impression that they're not really correct.

How do you dress to show of off your dick?

Well sometimes you can take it out the side of your jock pouch, if you're in workout clothes, or wear boxers or no underwear if you're headed out in street clothes. And a cockring can help, sort of like a Wonder Bra for your dick.

What does the cockring do?

Sort of pushes everything front and center. Brings your balls into play and any tumescence you may have becomes a bigger swelling and so forth.

What's the most annoying way someone comes on to you -- like in a bar or at a party?

When people are drunk and obnoxious, that's a bad combination. I guess I don't like people who are blowhards, who are very quick to point out their accomplishments or perceived achievements, calculated to impress. They often have the reverse effect.

What would be the best line?

[He laughs.] Flattering talk about ME, of course! One that I've used would be a very direct one: "Would you like to roll around?" It implies that the sex was meant for fun or play, neither marriage nor some sort of porn extravaganza.

Are you cut or uncut?

[Jokingly:] If I remember right, cut. My mother has only recently realized that the statute of limitations has only recently expired, and that my threatened lawsuit will come to naught.

So you've talked about it with your mother?

Yup, and I couldn't be more upset that it was done, but I guess that was what was done back in those days -- still is being done, tragically. I talked to my brother and sister and said that if they had a little boy they must not circumcise it. I actually changed my brother's mind. My sister said she understood him wanting his son to look like Dad, and that's how I learned my brother-in-law is uncut.

Which do you prefer in other men? Why?

Uncut. There's something more animalistic about an uncut dick. The pink shiny head coming out of the sheath, so it seems more animalistic -- which in a dick is good. They're easier to jerk off, they're tastier to suck, and they're easier to get fucked by. Every way you look at it, uncut wins.

What makes a dick pretty, or good-looking?

Lots of different things. I like a sort of gentle upward curve. I actually like a tapered dick-head, not a big one, my favorite. It also seems more comfortable to get fucked by. All dicks can have their personalities, so I'm not too particular. Sometimes a dick can get really beautiful skin, very smooth skin. Sometimes I notice that more on dark-skinned dicks. I don't want to sound like I'm putting people down because they don't have such dicks; there's a lot to appreciate in all sorts of dicks.

Do you think you have a pretty dick?

Yeah, I actually do. I've noticed that some guys have confessed that they think their dicks are ugly, and it must not be nice to be saddled with that insecurity.

Do you think your boyfriend's dick is pretty?

[Enthusiastically:] I DO! His meets two out of my three big criteria (I won't say which two out of the three), namely curved up, uncut, and tapered. He has a MAGIC dick, too! He can do anything, fuck anybody -- amazing.

Why is being able to fuck anybody amazing?

A lot of people get fussy about who they'll have sex with and view their high standards as a mark of refinement, and that's just fucked up. Obviously the lucky people are the ones who can turn on to anybody. He can not only get it up but also get into it with all sorts of people, and I try to be good at that myself, but he's remarkably good. People are better served by broad sexual standards, not narrow ones. Notice how I didn't say "lower".

What does your boyfriend like about yours?

I guess he's remarked on the size and girth; it's a substantial dick. He likes being able to make it get hard when I'm fighting it. I kind of like that, too. He likes to do it and annoy me until I'm aroused and then get me interested in doing something and then says I wasn't really annoyed because I got hard. If he does something that I say I don't like, like biting my shoulder, he says maybe I don't like it but my dick does. So I'm sending mixed messages. I guess there's some truth to that.

Jim, my e-mail DOES get included in this, right? I mean, I should get some dates from it?

What was the most surprising thing you discovered where you didn't think you liked something but your dick said it did?

Mmmm. Ever in my life? Well I always thought it odd that in order to get hard when I was making out with women in high school -- that I would fantasize about (and on one occasion perform) pussy-eating. I don't know many gay men who fantasize about pussy-eating for that purpose. So I suspect that there's some latent heterosexuality there.

Is your father cut or uncut?

Cut.

Does your father have a big dick?

No. I knew this because I took care of him one summer -- he was nude around the house a lot and we took baths together and changed clothes together -- but I took care of him one summer when he was incapacitated, so I was fairly intimately familiar with his dick, and it seemed actually kind of small. Which is doubly odd, because my brother is a "we're talking pornstar quality" dick.

Does your dick have a name?

No.

Has it EVER had a name, like when you were younger?

You know I think it must have in college, but it's not one that survived.

Have you ever had the feeling that there is something wrong with your dick?

Well, besides a burning sensation when I pee and a green nasty discharge? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out!

Yes. When I was little kid, in the bath about 6 years old, I noticed that by rubbing the head of my dick it would get hard. Although I didn't think anything was wrong, I thought it was peculiar and odd, but I knew I didn't want to ask my mother or father about this. So it didn't really worry me, but it did confuse me in that I didn't know what it was all about.

When you're wearing clothes, do you keep your dick inside underpants?

Yes.

Boxers or briefs?

White briefs, usually.

How come?

Again, this is another example of how being cut -- having your dickhead constantly rubbing against the inside leg of your pants. Also if you're wearing shorts it's more modest; you're not falling out of your shorts, which in some circumstances is a drawback. But why white? I guess that's to show that your dick and asshole are nice and clean -- or not.

Does it hang to the left or to the right?

It doesn't really hang either way, it's usually tucked to the left. No noticeable curve, I just tend to tuck it to the left.

Think of the period of time in the gym between when you're totally naked in the shower and when you're totally clothed and ready to walk out the front door. Let's say that that's 20 minutes. For how many of those 20 minutes is your dick naked and visible to other guys in the locker room?

20.

So you put your pants on last?

[He had momentarily misunderstood the question.] Oh, I see! It depends on whether I've got an audience and whether I appreciate the audience. Generally I appreciate almost any audience, so I excuse it in that you want to get all the way dry and cooled down from the shower; that's my excuse for staying naked as long as possible. Which is true, but I'm also conscious of the fact that being naked is fine by me. So to tend to tooth brushing or shaving or grooming can all be done naked. But I do that at home, too.

Has there ever been a period in your life of one year or more during which NO ONE other than you saw your dick?

No.

When is the last time someone saw your dick?

Besides this morning with Greg? Um, today is... oh, boy, it would have been [seen on] Saturday. I went out to meet a guy who I met on a computer ad... oh wait a second. So the gym could count? Everybody saw it at the gym on Sunday. The last time somebody saw it angry [!] was Saturday, ready for action.

When will be the next time?

Wednesday night is always date night for me and the boyfriend, and last date night we included a third guy, and we'd love to see him again. Paolo the Brazilian, and I should recruit him for your dick of the week. [Growling:] Grrrrr boy, boy boy boy! He was beautiful. And I think, unselfconsciously beautiful, which is of course the most beautiful. Handsome guy -- but stunning dick.

What made him beautiful?

Well I have a thing for Latin guys, and his dick was actually three for three! [He laughs -- implying curved up, uncut, and tapered.]

In high school, how often did other boys see your dick?

Frequently. After initial shyness about the required showers in the afternoon, I got into it and in fact had to worry when friends and teammates seemed to notice that I was showing off, finding excuses to stay naked. Of course I didn't want to attract attention to myself for doing that, so at least a couple of times I had to back off on that sort of exhibitionism. I had a dick drawing collection, in fact. I had graph paper so I could draw to scale about a dozen of my favorite high school dicks. I'm not a good artist, but I'd try to get the size correctly, how the balls hung, which one was lower, if the dickhead hung lower -- I had all these on graph paper which I would jerk off to. I can't imagine thinking of them as erotic today, except in remembering jerking off to them. I had to destroy them when I went off to college, along with almost 50 jockstraps I'd swiped, lest my parents discover them when I was gone. You also can't really pack 48 jockstraps to take to college, either.

I had a scrapbook, too, of pictures of naked guys I had found in Playboy or National Geographic or the occasional odd photo that you'd come across. So there was a whole collection of dick memorabilia which I left behind. It was a good trade; I traded it all in for the real thing. Definitely a trade up.

But my god, those jockstraps now... Unh... See, I knew whose they were, too. They weren't just randomly stolen. These had covered prime meat!

Were there exactly 48?

I think there were, actually. At least 4 dozen, but I couldn't say there were more than 50, so it probably was exactly 48. Does the one you swipe from your brother count? If the pouch has a detachable pouch from the waistband, does that count as one item or two? And they were used separately, so I think 48 was the right number.

How did you use them?

Oh! You could chew on them, especially good if you find a pubic hair caught in there. I would often put on 4 or 5 of them on me and sort of hump into them and peel them off one at a time. Or I'd wear them mounted on my face while jerking off, then I'd often cum into them. I had one I came into just endlessly, so it was this yellowed, stick, stiff set of straps.

Again, if I'd known what I know now, I realize I could have FINANCED a lot of college from them! And I could have supplied the pictures that went with each jock.

One of the hottest things I ever did -- there was this track guy whose locker was next to mine, his name was Mark, and I swiped his jock, jacked off into it, and put it back in his locker a few days later. I had left mine for his, so I swapped them back; they were the same brand. So he was running track with my dried jizz and he didn't know it. Nobody washed these things, so the fact that they were dirty or stained wasn't remarkable. They were all like that.

Did your jockstrap ever disappear under suspicious circumstances?

No. Not in high school. I only heard of my thefts once. John, a wrestler, yelled "Hey, some jock stole my jock" which seemed like something odd to say, like a movie script. Indeed, somebody had, so I guess that makes me a jock. I've later had one swiped at the gym where I work out now, and it's nice to think that somebody wanted it -- no longer being a 17-year-old high school athlete myself.

Any idea who did it?

No.

Did you ever smell, jerk off with, your OWN jock?

Well, yes -- but almost always I was wearing somebody else's, so it was never really mine. When I played baseball in the 6th grade was the first time we were told we had to wear jocks, and I was mortified to go jock shopping with my mother, and mortified that I would have to put this in the laundry at home. I guess girls might feel the same way about their first bra. Maybe some don't, but I did. I had to be particularly careful because I had I think a Bike medium, that defaulted as mine. Obviously if I had all these different brands [taken from other guys, it would look suspicious]. I wore Mike's the most often because his was the same brand, a Bike medium. I remember one time my dog dug it out of the dirty laundry, brought it into the living room to chew on, attracting my father's attention. Again I'd done nothing wrong or suspicious, and yet I felt sure that my father reprimanding the dog for this jockstrap being chewed on, that everyone knew that the dog was attracted to my cum or shared my interest in jocks and everybody would be looking at me. But of course that was my paranoia.

Girls -- did girls ever see your dick?

It was an all-boys' school. The only girls I remember... this guy Allen who was a couple of years older, he had truly the largest dick I've ever seen but not played with. It was a freak of nature, and he's redheaded, so he had this alabaster snake -- a true freak of nature. I wouldn't be surprised if it was 9 inches soft, bizarre beyond belief, and he knew it. One time in the parking lot, girls from our sister school, the all-girls school, he got on the roof of one of their cars because they'd come to pick up boyfriends or whatever. He unzipped his pants, pulled out, and slid stomach down, dick out, across their windshield! His father and grandfather were on the Board of Trustees of the school, so he didn't get into trouble, and I would have loved to have been in the car. Lots of people talked about his dick, not just me. It's such a peculiar thing to do, too. How did he think to do that? I've never heard of that before or since. Who knows, maybe you learn all sorts of tricks when you have a dick soft at 9 inches. He was rich, hung, and dumb as a brick.

And in college -- who saw your dick?

Freshman year it was only a couple of girls. Spring of freshman year was when I came out as gay, and the sport I was involved in didn't have occasion to be naked around other guys. But at the gym I did -- so [the answer is,] a few times a week in those showers.

I remember senior year in high school, on a trip to visit colleges, the guy who hosted me for the night was from my high school, and [he said] it took a lot of getting used to a roommate who would just jack off whenever he wanted to. His roommate was really cute, so that seemed like no problem to me!

Nowadays, during an average week, how many people see your dick?

Say, two dozen. Mostly at the gym.

Of course, everybody knows that a lot of teenaged boys get hard at inappropriate times -- and in a way so that other people can see that they're hard. Did this ever happen to you?

No, only because I would be sufficiently embarrassed to hide it until it went away. I don't think I ever got caught.

Did anyone ever tease you or punish you when they noticed that your dick was hard?

No -- although once I did get attention called to me when this guy said in the locker room, "French has a pointer!" -- this was when I was taking off my football pads. It didn't have the effect he desired because (a) I really didn't, he had a tiny little dick; (b) people were looking at my dick and they all agreed that it was not a pointer so they thought he was a jerk. I was damn glad I didn't because I could easily have had one.

When you jerk off, how do you hold your dick in your hand?

One hand, thumb and forefinger usually, usually not working the the head directly. The other hand is usually working my balls or at the base of my dick.

Tell me about the first time your dick ejaculated. What happened?

I was humping a pillow in my sister's room, I was about 10 years old, and the pillow ended up getting wet, I wasn't quite certain what happened, but it wasn't upsetting.

Guys I interview for Dick of the Week usually are exhibitionistic -- at least a little. Think back in your life to any times when you may have fantasized or thought about showing off your dick to someone else, on purpose. How old were you the FIRST time you had a thought or a fantasy like that?

I would have been much younger -- 7.

What was the fantasy?

I showed off my dick to the two boys next door to get them to do the same thing. We all did it -- found excuses to go off in the woods -- but I was the ringleader.

Have you ever danced naked?

Not in public.

What does your dick do when you do that?

It flops around. Sometimes you make it part of the dance, make it slap one leg and then the next.

What do you like the most about your dick?

I guess that the only way it calls attention to itself is that it might be a little bit larger than average, but there's nothing peculiar or malformed about it.

What do you like the most about having a dick?

It's nice. You know what fucking somebody is like as well as getting fucked.

What do you like the least about your dick?

That it doesn't stay steely hard the way it used to. It doesn't get erect on command, which would be nice [he laughs].

Has your dick ever gotten you in trouble?

Close to it. Anyone who prowls tearooms or enjoys outdoor cruising in this day of sexual offender registries knows that those can make you register for life, being caught using your dick outside or in a bathroom. I've had a couple of close brushes with that. You'd have to notify the neighbors that you jerked off in the woods once [he laughs sarcastically].

You know me -- I've got to get the political content in, too!

Anything else?

I guess one thing you didn't mention is they way they smell. There's a special smell to a sweaty dick that's just great. It's a dick smell, even before they cum or leak or anything. Should bottle THAT and sell it!

Thanks very much!

Thanks, Jim!

Let me see French's photos.

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