You saw it here first!

[Unless, of course, you've already read about it in The New Yorker.]

Yes, The New Yorker.

It's all detailed in the issue of 3 November, 1997, in an article by Jeffrey Toobin entitled "Casting Stones -- The Paula Jones case is about to get uglier." Dedicated pen is fans know that Ms. Jones claims to have seen the President's pen is, erect, for a few seconds -- and to have described its "distinguishing characteristics" in a now-sealed affidavit. Yet crack reporter Toobin writes, on page 60:

According to two people who are familiar with Jones's affidavit on the subject, Jones lists three "distinguishing characteristics" of the President's erect penis: it is about five inches long; it has the circumference of a quarter; and it angles to one side.

"Distinguishing"? "Distinguishing"?????

As anyone knows who has ever read teenaged boys' anguished letters about their pen ises to Ann Landers or Dear Abby, these three characteristics are about as distinguishing as Clinton having two arms, a bit of a pot belly, and a few tufts of hair above the cleft in his buns. And assuming that they are anatomically accurate, who's to say that it was Jones who actually observed them? For all we know, Jones could have been tipped off by any Republican who has ever seen Clinton nude in a locker room!

By the way, Paula, when you say that it's about the diameter of "a quarter," we were puzzled. A quarter of what?

Hilary, are you listening? Um, OK, then -- Chelsea? Please write to us (on official White House e-mail stationery, please, so that we know that we're not being conned) at clintoninfo@phdtop.com, and tell us more distinguishing characteristics of your husband's [or father's] genitalia. We here at Pen is Central™ trust that we speak for all loyal Americans who want to know the truth. We pay the guy -- what is it -- $200,000 per year, for godsakes? or maybe 250? -- well, we pay him a lot and (frankly) this money is wasted if we cannot obtain the information about him that enquiring minds want to know. Let's hope we don't have to waste our time and his filing a Freedom of Information Act request, eh? Us pen is-admiring taxpayers have paid for this information and we deserve to receive it, pronto.

Once we have verified this information, we can abandon this country's unwise and unnecessary plans to switch to the metric system and start measuring everything in Clinton units. For example, a guy could describe himself as being 1.1 Clintons long, whereas you might be 1.7 Clintons. In the film Boogie Nights, the star could describe himself as measuring between 2 and 3 Clintons. Here, it's a lucky accident that Our President happens to fall at the short end of the normal range, so most men can boast that their own is somewhere in the 1+ range. Imagine having a boyfriend who only measures 0.7 Clintons -- how embarassing!

Thank you for listening. And God Bless America, its President, and his pen is.

Thank you! Thank you very much!!

-- Jim W., Webmaster
Pen is Central

Who's counting? Who cares?  Presidential meat is at stake!